The Indian Monkey chronicles

• The Indian Monkeys
• Indian Monkey Programming Techniques
• Monkeyspeak
• Rationales
• This page with a detailed event log

13/02/2004: The monkey (I think there's only one remaining, but it can imitate all the previous ones) has been repeatedly gibbering "I don't think so" . It also keeps yammering "Nidhaana Nodi" (Kannada: slowly see) while making me think.

10/02/2004: Had three days respite during my visit to the Netherlands. Sound sleep, no yammering, ahhhh.... . But this was not to last; on my way back to India via Amsterdam, the gibbering and sleep deprivation resumed. Continued on my stopover in Chennai.

Indian monkeys: a bunch of megalomaniacal, grandstanding, yammering simians. Imbeciles with equipment.

• "Narayanan: Dhairiyuma/Anasyuma" Claims to be saving me from them
• "Really"
• "My dear young/dead man"
• "Appadi vange"
• "Joonile"
• "Give up"/"You're lyearning"/"You've lyearned"
  Claims to have come from Stanford to ...
• "Good"
• Sherwani/"Verrry good": The Calibrator ("this is how accurately we have calibrated you", etc.), "Yelectronic device"/The demonstrator
  Claims to have come from MIT to help/make productive/...
• "Look at me"
• Meat monkey: "I'm eating meat"
• "Nidhana saar"/"Dyeah, dyeah"/"My dyeah"/"Amygdala guru/Cognoscenti": Grandstanding cock and pimp monkey.
  Also claims to have come from Stanford to ... . Yammers and effects constantly during physical activities. Mostly homo smut.
• "Dyeaar, relex"
  Yammered/effected constantly during Portland trip (incl. flight/light rail)
• "Thankee"
• Barking monkey: "Give up, give up right now before I explode your heart"
  (Also "no vay, No vay, No Vay, NO VAY")
• "Moole vedinjhidum/Moole vediyinuma" (Brain will explode/Do you want brain to explode ?)
• "Omega guru"
• Paaaal : processorspeaking monkey ("We taped you out", etc.). The heart stopper.
• "Korangini" : announced itself in Corfu: "Chicken kudduke vandhen" (I came to give you chicken). Wanted my car. Continued to infest me and caused toothache in India.
• "Forgive me/Allow me": Kannada monkey that announced itself in France: "Its a pleasure saar". Yinshulized while yammering "Forgive me/Allow me" throughout vacation. Still (11/22/03) continues to do so.

Monkeyspeak:definitions to be provided later

• Lock
  Usage: "You lost your lock". "How is my lock ?".
• We/They
• Game
• Play
• Move
  Usage: "Real good move".
  "Wrong move."
  "He anticipated your move".
• Win/Lose:
  Usage: "You lost your lock". "You won the/that game".
• Declare
• Evaluate:
  Usage:They are evaluating you
  
• Pass/Fail:
  Usage: You failed the evaluation
  
• Clean: clean the brain = wash the brain = brainwash
  Usage: We'll clean you more
• Test:
  Usage: We're just testing
  Usage: I need to test it
  
• Mix
  Usage: "We want you... we mix".
  Seems a little odd being offered as an apparent incentive, when mixing consists of a combination of cleaning and regression.
• Optimize:
  Usage: This is the way they optimize my dear
  Usage: Optimize for what my dear man ?
  
• Yinshulize
• Resource
• Rape (nothing to do with sex... see "Make lou"):
  Usage: You're getting raped by your ego
  
• Fuck (nothing to do with sex... see "Make lou")
• Lou:
  Usage:You're in lou with your advisor.
  
• Make lou: Indian monkeyspeak for "have sex" (Indian monkeys appear to be a little inhibited w.r.t. sex) (also "go to bed with...", etc.)
• Machine: Make lou
  Usage: "You will machine it".
  
• Pattern
• Eat
• Drink
• Oil: natural/synthetic
• Ego
• Complex Usage: Relex, testing complex
  
• Layer:
  Usage:We layer the complex.
  
• Left brain
• Chicken
• Poulet (french speaking monkeys version of chicken)
• Head
• Rail
• Rile
• Rationalize
• Up/Down:
  Usage: Get down. Go down. Come down. Jump down.
• Homo: Indian monkeyspeak for "Gay male" (and gay male sex)
  Usage: Without thinking he'll make you homo.
• Homo female: Indian monkeyspeak for "Lesbian"
  Usage: You're a homo female.
• Day/Night:
  Usage:Ok, one day
  
• Time of day (non-numeric): morning/afternoon/night
  
• Time of day (numeric):
  Usage: Coronary... 6:20
  Usage: See you at 5:00
  
• Drive
  Usage: I'll drive you
  
• Ride: synonym for drive (depends on what the monkey wants the drivee/ridee to think of it)
  
• Vay:
  Usage: My vay
  Usage: Your vay
  Usage: Own vay
  Usage: No vay
  Usage: Now you'll know what the manual vay is
  
• Manual Vay: (? "We'll see how many muscles you can control")
  
• Calibrate:
• Load:
  Usage:Your load capacity has increased
  
• Learn:
  Usage: You're lyearning, my dyear
  Usage: You didn't lyearn
  Usage: They didn't lyearn
  Usage: Make them lyearn
  
• Manners:
  Usage: I'll teach you manners
  Usage: I'll teach you manners in the toilet
  
• Catharsis:
• Sublimation: Connecting to cock/Lyearn to control cock
• Veltanschauung:
• Conjugate:
• Subjugate:

Monkeytechnospeak

Processor/Architecture

• Cache
• Cache tag
• Tape-out
• 8088
• Interrupt
• Interrupt handler
• Zeroed out

Operating Systems

• Swap-out
• Locked page
• Write to disk

Chemistry

• Titrate

Geography

• Bay Area
• California
• United States

Algorithms

• Search
• Exhaustive search
• Depth first search
• Breadth first search
• Scheduling
• Pre-planning
  Usage: The pre-planning algorithm dujn't werk"
  

Monkeyspeak for monkeys

• Gods
  Usage: We are your gods
  
• Directors
  Usage: We are the directors of the world
  
• Gurus
  Usage: We are gurus
  

• This is what happens if you write a paper with Monica Lam
• Wrong day to write a paper with Monica Lam
• Wrong day to write a paper
• Wrong day to ...
• Wrong day ...
• We've come to reconnect you to society (via the cock in the mouth (?))
• This is uvver yarea
• You're a thief

Pre web-page monkey rationales (early 2002 -)

• Its the alpha males
• This is my area
• Relax, we got you

Post web-page monkey rationales (07/12/2002 -)

• You have cracked
• So, are there any ? (rationale ?)
• Post web-page rationales, heh, heh
• This is the way they optimize my dear man
• This is HP
• We made you concentrate
• We're here to make you productive
• Your load capacity has increased
• Got it (?)
• We came from MIT to help you out
• Its the government
• The Indians are losing because of you
• "They've" won because of you
• We are optimizing your load capacity
• We are optimizing your cache capacity
• We ryeally have optimized your cache capacity

Post-termination Indian monkey rationales (09/22/2003 -)

• Relex, yinshulizing
• Relex, this is vay we yinshulize
• Relex, giving knowledge
• Catharsis: Connecting to yemotion/Lyearn to control yemotion
• Sublimation: Connecting to cock/Lyearn to control cock
• You are one of uvvers
• This is yinternational level
• You are no match for them
• Changing algorithm
• Switching complex
• Yeverything must come out
• Thinking, thinking, thinking too much
• You're in lou with your advisor

The following are phonetic transcriptions of Tamil

• Nidhaanama paarunge (Slowly realize... (what we made you do))

Indian Monkey programming techniques

Railing: continuous yammering; 18-20 hours a day

Sleep disruption

• Sleep deprivation
• REM sleep deprivation
• Sleep cycle disruption

Monkey Rationales
• You lost your lock
• We're breaking that lock
• No way you can sleep... I'm yinshulizing you
• We'll see how you relax
• No licking allowed

Actual effects
• Docility
• Easier cleaning
• Regression

Good monkey/bad monkey

Better monkey/worse monkey

Intimidation

• If I yinshulize/clean you more you'll go crazy
• I'll make you cross-eyed
• You'll beg me to let you go for two seconds

Goading

Autonomous bodily functions

• Breathing
• Rate
• Depth
• Pattern
• Peristalsis
• Defacation: Toilet training

General Monkey programming techniques

"We'll see how many muscles you can control"

Autonomous bodily functions

• Heart function (heart lock)
• Rate (slow/rapid)
• Intensity (weak/strong)

Examples

• Palpitations (convenient instant panic inducer, often used when interacting with colleagues)
  "You're shy"
  "We're taking you out of your shell"
  "We're warning you that this attitude will result in a coronary"
  
• Slow weak heartbeat

?

• Fatigue, chilly extremeties ("Its the airconditioning") (01/18/2003: "Eat more sugar")
(09/11/02) Now always used when
• In cubicle
• Playing table-tennis

Voluntary muscle control

Sensory functions

• Eye function (eye lock)
  09/03/2002: My eyes have been getting optimized for the past few weeks making reading increasingly difficult. Apparently an "optimal" software engineer should not be able to read (anything other than code).